You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize