Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
