You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
