Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
