Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
