I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize
