What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
