Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
