I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
