I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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