i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
