i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
