I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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