ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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