all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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