Midget sex pt 2 tonight
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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