I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize