my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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