Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I just had sex on a roof
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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