Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize