I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
