I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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