I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I have fence marks all over my body
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
