this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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