I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
