I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
