Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
