Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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