who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize