I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
