Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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