conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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