She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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