Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You are a genius and a whore.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
