Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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