shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
