Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
