i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
