are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
My ATM looks so different sober.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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