There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Randomize
