Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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