Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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