Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
