I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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