end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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