I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize