There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
