I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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