don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
