Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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