I could have mohawked her pubes.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize