Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
