dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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