When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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