im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
