we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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