I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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