We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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