He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Farmville is her only friend.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
