Farmville is her only friend.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Drunk is a universal language darling
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
There's even glitter on my cock...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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