Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
