the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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