wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
