I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
