Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
