The maid of honor just puked.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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